Gaslighting is a colloquialism, generally defined as making someone question their reality. According to Wikipedia. the term may also be used to describe a person who presents a false narrative to someone or another group which leads them to doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented, or distressed.
Therefore, the literal definition of gaslighting involves someone doing something to you, but I want to approach it with a slightly different slant. What if the person gaslighting you is YOU – disguised as an inner negative voice? In this scenario, your accuser or inner negative voice is serving as an entity that is deceiving you. It is your alter ego that activates a destructive persona. You may experience it as self-sabotage. On other occasions, you may encounter GL when your inner voice whispers seemingly harmless phrases under the pretense of being your champion when in fact, it’s subconsciously cultivating pessimism. This quiet but persistent voice is mounting a deluge of damaging allegations, leaving you depressed and unmotivated.
You may wonder how I stop this GL behavior when I am the guilty party? What do I need to do to protect myself from myself? The best way to outsmart and counteract the psychological, emotional, and mental abuse of gaslighting is to engage in these four decisive steps.
- Be aware of gaslighting that convinces you to believe you are too sensitive. This form of GL occurs whenever you label your actions as excessively sentimental. Your mental tape plays and replays an image of you overreacting. At its peak, your condemning alter ego serves as a relentless prosecutor – reminding you at every turn that you are guilty of being too emotional which sends a message that something is wrong with you. Your emotions are put on trial, if you’re found guilty, there is a penalty to pay. It reinforces the idea that being sensitive, especially keenly sensitive is a trait you should be ashamed of or hide.
Remedy: Recognize that being sensitive, or what some may describe as very sensitive is not a flaw, instead, it’s one of your core strengths. Change your mental and verbal narrative to include statements that reinforce a positive tilt with uplifting assertions instead of degrading. With this new lens, you view sensitive people as empathetic and caring therefore you willfully challenge your inner voice to rephrase what was spoken. You unashamedly state “I embrace and love that I am considerate and thoughtful. I’m proud I can share my genuine emotions. Being keenly sensitive is a positive attribute”. The next time you GL yourself, remember being deeply sensitive is not a defect, instead, it’s a gift. You are intuitive and your insightfulness is a trait that most desire. Sensitivity is an attribute that’s useful when pursuing partnerships and developing teams. Building lasting relationships involves more than training and technical skills, they are enhanced when you’re perceptive. Moving forward, one of your priorities should include daily affirmations promoting acceptance of your astuteness as a value. Wisdom allows you to be genuinely vulnerable without being weak. Guard against slipping into a vicious loop of believing your compassion should be diminished. Whether the GL is coming from someone else or it’s internal, decide to no longer let being branded as too sensitive cause you to retreat or not show your authentic self.
2. Respond to gaslighting that is sowing seeds of uncertainty. Confront self-doubt and the constant confusion that makes you desperate for clarity and question your memory. This form of GL doesn’t just rob you of peace of mind, it also provides an entrance to a barrage of undesirable feelings. It usually shows up through statements aimed at belittling you; words that cause you to doubt your choices or even sanity.
Remedy: When this GL inner critic decides to make an appearance it’s time to take immediate action. To be effective, preparation is vital. Be honest with yourself and admit that your insecurities are being nurtured by these personal attacks. Armed with newfound understanding, you can treat questioning yourself as a curiosity that enables you to be interested and open to various ideas. When confusion tries to creep in, you channel this energy towards appreciating your ability to think deeply which helps you to be open-minded and examine all sides of an issue. Be kind to yourself recognizing that if there is a need to adjust because things changed or because you changed your mind – it’s okay and even encouraged. Remember your pesky critic is ever ready to plant kernels of hesitation to chip away at your self-confidence, so being pre-emptive with a well-thought-out plan of action will serve you well.
3. Identify gaslighting when manipulative tactics are being used. GL behavior takes the stage when it encourages you to present an inflated view of yourself to the world. However, doing so makes it necessary to immediately and methodically work to destroy the false image deviously generated. What’s particularly detrimental about this type of GL is how deceptive it is; with its apparent ease, it penetrates your spirit. It punctures your soul, the essence of who you are, leaving you hopeless and deflated.
Remedy: Be aware of when you are disingenuous during uncomfortable situations and when you meet new people. Address your tendency to find refuge in acting out of character. Commit to being true to yourself, presenting the authentic you in your interactions and personal relationships. Make it a practice to identify the impetus of sneaky GL tactics causing you to believe that the only way to impress others is to be insincere. Your criticizing inner villain is actively involved in unscrupulous techniques to control you; therefore, it is imperative to disengage from this negative source.
4. Understand gaslighting is abusive and cunning. As a result, you distrust others, believing everyone is against you and lying to you. These vicious attacks become a part of your daily expectation, so you trust no one. As the deception widens and the abuse becomes more pervasive it causes you to isolate yourself from others and to question almost anyone’s attempt to have a genuine connection with you.
Remedy: You must confront ongoing mental attacks that regularly feed false information. Most of us have unknowingly participated in some form of GL in one way or another, including harsh judgments of ourselves. Nevertheless, choose to be attentive so you can identify when it’s happening and confront GL’s abusive nature and deceptive practices. Start by acknowledging that people are not out to get you. Everyone is not lying or trying to take advantage of you. Thinking this way is steeped in a web of lies and you must extricate yourself to move forward. Pause for a moment and examine how continuous GL behavior has derailed your hard work. By evaluating the harmful effects, you can measure how they impact every area of your life – mental, emotional, and spiritual. With an enlightened perspective, you’re equipped to chart a plan of action. Start documenting how often it happens, what triggers your GL default behavior typically, and what adverse emotion it arouses. The simple act of taking notes or journaling about your behavior over the next five days will increase your probability of success. Notice and score the number of instances you’re gaslighting yourself. Record a few words or sentences outlining what prompted your response. Lastly, add a brief note, a word or two connecting the emotions it conjures. At the end of the five days, it’s time to identify patterns. How often are you gaslighting? What was the situation or environment you were involved? When was the tendency to GL the greatest? Did you find some emotions to be repetitive or were they unique to the occasion? Once this information is gathered, you’re ready to interrupt your GL behavior by introducing practical, strategic, and constructive alternatives. Your plan must include awareness, understanding, identifying, and responding when and how you engage in GL behavior. Ultimately, you must commit to actively confronting it so you can thrive.
“Any excuse that grants me permission to somehow compromise what I am capable of achieving is the ‘worst of me’ undermining the ‘best of me’ in a manner that will never be capable of ‘excusing me.”
― Craig D. Lounsbrough
If years of neglect have almost caused you to become immune to the cruel impact of how you GL YOURSELF with false narratives, it’s time to pull the band-aid off. Be honest with yourself, acknowledge that your past behavior has been harmful, make a declaration to build an environment for success, and stop gaslighting yourself.
While you might be intrigued by the notion of whether people GL themselves or not, don’t stop with mere fascination or just being inquisitive. Move to the next step. Invest a few moments to reflect on your past and current behavior to determine if you have been permitting GL tactics to ruin opportunities. If so, take the leap, embrace these steps, and implement them wholeheartedly.
