How many times have you asked yourself, verbally or nonverbally, why am I not achieving or accomplishing my goals? Learning how to master a few basic techniques, over time you will help reduce these types of questions that are fostering obvious blocks to the future you want. The key is to take incremental steps that become intuitive, one of which is identifying which questions are causing you the most harm.
This is why it’s important to recognize that both your conscious and unconscious mind are part of your decision making. For the next few moments, however, we will focus on the part your conscious mind has in discovering the questions you should cease asking yourself.
As I understand it, mental programming is a crucial phase of what most, if not all successful people engage in as part of an ongoing ritual. Part of that mental programming starts with being aware of the type of questions that provoke self-defeating consequences.
Being opened to learn what questions you should stop asking yourself and others will increase your awareness and diminish your predisposition to asking negative questions. It will also lessen your bent toward actions that produce a negative impact or hinder you from moving forward, while improving your readiness and mental pattern to realize success. Since there are a multitude of questions you should stop asking yourself, let’s focus on seven you should stop immediately.
1. WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP? Is this the first question you ask when presented with an opportunity? If so, the critical issue here is not what is being ask, but your interpretation of what is being required of you. I will ask you to turn your thoughts more inward to examine what you are really asking yourself.
The real question is, “what will it cost me? So hidden within your question is a vulnerability and concern around cost and loss. Your attention is not on the benefits or advantages before you, instead your thoughts are of losing something and you have assigned a cost factor that puts you at a disadvantage. The cost could be time, energy, money, friends, or just about anything. In other words, your list could be endless.
If this is your first question, I challenge you to reprioritize your list. It’s not a bad question, however you should seriously revisit, why this is your starting point when new possibilities are shared with you. One way is to make a commitment to view each opportunity from the lens of possibility instead of immediately perceiving it as an intrusion or something that will impose a negative cost.
Establishing new thought patterns that change your behavior isn’t always easy, but the benefits are worth it. Initially, choosing to abandon the habit of your first question being “what do I have to give up? may be uncomfortable, however, any worthy pursuit of success will require you to change unproductive behaviors. Recognizing, every opportunity that comes your way, will not be for you, but you won’t discount it based on fear that you’ll have to give up something that provides you comfort.
Your replacement question will be “where do I see myself in this potential endeavor”? The initial question approaches opportunities from a deficit whereas the replacement question, starts with an attitude of possibility.
2. DO I HAVE ENOUGH EXPERIENCE? This haunting question should be rephrased, as well. It is another question couched in a familiar platitude that covers an unspoken concern, which is “am I good enough?” Allowing your thoughts to run rampant and unchallenged when questioning your abilities will cause you to freely entertain destructive questions, with little to no resistance. In many instances, it will leave you exhausted and definitely hesitant to take the next step. Eventually, apathy sets in and now you find yourself doubting if you have the skills, knowledge, or experience to embark on any new venture.
On the other hand, your questions should be “what experience is needed?” By asking the question in this manner, you open avenues to be resourceful. Whether you currently have experience or not, isn’t a deterrent because your empowering mindset is open to expand your skills and knowledge to augment your experience. Since the experience needed to tackle a different opportunity is relative, commit to working with all the resources at your disposal presently to bring value as you develop additional skills.
3. WHAT IF I FAIL? Assuming this posture creates a mindset that will predictably cause you to be reluctant, apprehensive and doubt your instants. If entertained too long, it could become a self-fulfilling prophesy because your inactivity will cause failure. Fear of failure is like being engulfed by harmful tentacles, where you are treated as prey, and your every move controlled. You are in a situation where there is little, to no movement, frozen in a static place while the world continues to evolve. As much as you hate it, once again, you find yourself waiting to get started, or to restart, or to take the next step.
A better question is, “what if I let my fear of failing, stop me from realizing my dreams?” Yes, you have heard it many times, failing is a part of life. Yet, it does not make it any easier to accept as a part of our human development. Since wishing it were not so, is futile, you should turn your efforts elsewhere. Start by placing a positive emotion on the reward you’ll receive once you have accomplished one of your goals.
Bask in the emotion, live there for a while, allowing yourself to experience the happiness, sense of accomplishment and gratitude. Remain in this posture until this emotion is greater than your fear of failing. Allow yourself to experience what it feels like to finally, start drafting your book, or to complete your book, start your business, or complete a course or workshop; pick any goal, and permit yourself to savor in the excitement of achieving it. Do this every time you are tempted to ask the question, “what if I fail”?
4. WHAT IF I LOOK STUPID (AM I SMART ENOUGH)? Arguably, this concern is at the top of most of our list. It’s all too easy to let your aversion to being vulnerable to disguise itself in debilitating questions that destroy your confidence. Of course, no one wants to look stupid, which leads us to the greater question you are probably asking. Am I smart enough?
Where does this insecurity come from? Often times it starts early in life, when parents, friends, or teachers, make comparisons. It appears in the language we use, and some would venture to say, it is our interpretation of the language we hear. So, if your colleague or supervisor praises a team member because of the way they handled the last assignment, culminating with how smart they were in their execution, does that mean the rest of the team is not smart? Is it implied in their statement, or is the issue actually, in how you chose to interpret their statement?
Does this mean if you tried your best but came up short, people will think you are stupid? What if you step outside of your comfort zone and don’t get the desired results, will you feel embarrassed and start to believe you are not smart enough? While it is easier said than done, you should stop worrying about looking stupid or constantly measuring how smart you are or whether others think you are smart. Ultimately, it is your opinion of yourself that is most important
One way to pivot, is to change your focus. First, choose to no longer magnify your deficiencies or perceived shortcomings. Once this decision is made, turn your attention to being more innovative, recognizing that some of the things you do will not work and that is okay. It’s not only okay but is part of the growth process.
Taking calculated risk that don’t work out does not make you stupid. It’s what successful people do consistently. Finally, free yourself of judgement from others as well as your inner critic which causes you to be insecure and constantly working to be a people-pleaser.
5. SHOULD I WAIT FOR A BETTER TIME? When I hear this question, it inevitable provokes another that I believe gets at the core of the real issue. And that question is “what has waiting produce for me so far?” Does waiting give way to creativity or does it move me in the opposite direction of where I want my life to go? And lastly, who determines when it’s the best time for me to accept a challenge, start something new or change old behaviors?
Answering these questions will most likely bring you closer to truthfully answering the initial one. What you will undoubtedly learn is that you are no longer willing to accept having a life that is aesthetically pleasing when you know, deep inside you are mentally unchallenged and your soul is in a constant state of discontent – longing for more.
Once and for all you must stop using bad timing as an excuse. Don’t be guilty of saying “it only seemed like a few years ago” only to discover a few years, have become several years, to many years and you find yourself questioning what happened. It is not hopeless, however.
It’s time for you to be intentional in silencing this question and feeling assured of your decision to move forward. You finally admit to yourself that part of the “maybe later is better” thought pattern is actually, fear. You decide to embrace a new way of thinking. So, anytime you sense this negative question may be trying to creep back in you psyche, you’re equipped with an alternate path.
6. WHY ME? Especially if you are asking this question from the point of view as a victim. Why is this happening to me or why is this NOT happening FOR me are both questions that give away your power. You must tackle this question head on, so you can appropriately channel your emotions. Left unchecked, this nagging question will breed other negative emotions like, dread, hopelessness, helplessness. Once despair sets in, depression is a usual companion. This is why I believe this question could be the most devastating. The chains of “why me?”, if you see yourself as wounded or a target, keeps you locked in a prison with you as the ruthless, tyrannical guard. It is time to unlock the door and free the captive.
Once again, when asking questions, your mindset is critical. With a positive mindset, the “why me?” questions can now be asked with a different expectation. Why me, why am I being given this opportunity to help solve an issue? Why me, what gifts, talents or skills do others see in me? Of the many, who could have been selected, why me? This could have happened to anybody, why me, what is inside me waiting to get out or to be discovered, what from my past has uniquely equipped me to be the best person for this occasion? This “why me?” mindset is empowering and disarms the tendency to hear the questions from a place of suffering or victimhood.
7. IS IT TOO LATE? This question could seem reminiscent of one previously asked, inquiring whether the time was optimal to start an impending venture, work on a new project, or change something in your life. However, within this question, “is it too late” is a subtle distinction if we look deeper? The mere fact that you are contemplating the question means there is still a tinge of hope or belief, that even now, you have time.
Rather than questioning if this is the perfect time, your concern is more towards have you let your season past? Is there still time to realize your dreams and is it too late to explore new adventures and conquer unfulfilled promises you made to yourself? These questions can be particularly, sensitive, if you are age 50 or older.
I suggest, your response should be a resounding, no, it is not too late. Nevertheless, only you get to decide if it is too late and no one else. By the way, saying yes to yourself and no to this question should have nothing to do with you being 50 or older. It’s time to ask the question with a different twist that leads to positive actions. “Is it too late to give up on your dreams”? Yes, because the opportunity landscape is constantly evolving in numerous ways for you to accomplish your dreams. New resources, networking opportunities, technology, and inventive ways to help you achieve your dreams are more available today, than any time in the past.
“Is it too late to succumb to excuses for why it will not work for you?” Yes, since you are being presented everyday with examples of people overcoming what could have been insurmountable odds with them succeeding because they persevered. Lastly, “is it too late to change your course in life”? The response is no, because you are embracing an attitude that allows you to be in charge of directing your future.
Instead of being a passenger along for the ride, watching life as it happens, without hesitation you are choosing to be the driver and director of your destiny. When viewed from this perspective, you are ensuring that the “is it too late?” question guides you to act assertively to create positive outcomes.
Recognizing the world is in the midst of an evolutionary phase, more than ever, it is important for you to develop a propensity toward greater flexibility. Part of that flexibility is understanding the right questions to ask so you are not blocking your success by engaging in limiting behaviors.
CONCLUSION: What will be the relevant conclusions from questions you ask yourself? Seductive negative questions can hide themselves in the crevices of thoughts that are more primal than useful. For instance, constantly asking yourself questions that keep you in a state of fight or flight mode, even when there is no actual present danger, creates unnecessary tension, depletes your energy, and eventually will take you of course.
The way I see it, you have two options, one is to decisively commit to addressing negative feedback loops standing in the way of your best life, or to surrender to your apprehensions and fears that leave you empty and disappointed. One of these negative loops is a tendency to ask questions that destroy your confidence and divert you from what is really in your heart.
By unmasking these seven questions and understanding how they contribute to blocking your success, you become more than a careful observer; your intentions become reality, empowering you to take charge of your life.
