Negative self-repeating patterns must be identified, then dealt with. A leading culprit is self-sabotage. There are things that function like vampires – they suck your blood supply, the very life of your dreams and aspirations are stolen from you, one drop at a time. You must commit to staying focused, energized, and true to achieving your goals. One way is to be mindful of how self-sabotage may be ripping you off so you can counter its impact.
Now more than ever, when it’s fashionable to focus only on one view versus the other, I encourage you to take a different path when planning your future. While it is important to focus on what uplifts, inspires and motivates you, it is equally as important to understand what potential obstacles could be on the horizon. For most of us, there are automatic negative behaviors lurking around the corner that must first be acknowledged, then addressed.
You need to realize that most of your reactions are done without thinking about them. Your responses are on autopilot. Therefore, many times, you might be tempted to return to self-defeating emotions like frustrations, anger, fear, resentment, and the list goes on. However, once you are aware of these patterns and understand that they are pushing you further away from what you really want, the sooner you can position yourself in a place of power.
“Resistance by definition is self-sabotage.” ― Steven Pressfield
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when you consciously or unconsciously undermine the values that interfere with you achieving your goals. It’s the behavior and thought patterns preventing you from doing what you want to do.
2 Signs of Self-Sabotage
The list of behaviors that we exhibit regularly, signifying we are self-sabotaging, is endless. Let’s look at 2 of them now.
Self-criticism. You judge yourself for being weak for an action you did or did not take. Let’s say, you have a conversation with a friend or colleague, and during the conversation, they remind you of a time you didn’t speak up or defend yourself. Without even thinking about it or being consciously aware of what’s happening, you accept what they shared about you as truth and not only truth, but now it becomes your truth. It is then, subconsciously, processed, cataloged, and embraced as “I’m weak” or “I should stand-up for myself, but I don’t”. So, now let’s say, you are presented with an opportunity at work to take on a new and exciting project. It requires you to manage a small cohort to accomplish the task. Immediately you start to question your skills and ability to handle the group. “Will I be able to lead with strength?” “Will I be able to present my ideas and defend them if needed?” You become more and more anxious, as you ponder whether it was a good idea to accept this opportunity. And the more you ponder, it seems to become more of a challenge that you believe you are not strong enough to tackle. Unconsciously, a once-promising opportunity has become your albatross. Finally, you give words to your thoughts. You start to tell others that you are shy, feel uncomfortable speaking in large groups, and dislike the fact that you don’t always defend yourself. Your self-criticism has become self-sabotage.
Compulsive Behavior. There is another example of self-sabotage that most of us have experienced. It is not as easily identified because, in some instances, it shows up as a quick fix. Let me introduce you to Mary Jane, who has decided to finally, take control of her finances so she can get out of debt. She completes a course in finance and budgeting to ensure she understands what’s needed to succeed and develops a budget. The first month goes well and the second month is even better. The third month is a challenge, so Mary Janes uses what she’s learned from the course and ends the month on target. During the fourth month, she and her significant other get into a huge argument about household chores. It was an argument that seems to come out of nowhere and Mary Jane can’t seem to get over it. In a state of anger, she decides to go to the coffee shop down the street, just to get her mind off things and to cool off. While at the coffee shop, she sees a trendy boutique across the street that has shoes on sale for 70% off and decides to visit it. An hour later, Mary Jane has purchased 4 pairs of shoes, and even with the 70% discount, she has thoroughly blown her budget, not for one month, but for two – and by the way, the shoes are non-refundable. Her compulsive behavior was self-sabotage. Her actions were self-soothing for the moment yet caused her to return to a familiar pattern of overspending, which if not corrected, will keep her in debt.
What Can Causes Self-Sabotage?
- Lack of Self-esteem. If you are someone who has been belittled, repeatedly, you probably have self-sabotage as your best friend without even realizing it. It has become so comfortable that it fits like a glove. You find yourself time and time again being in positions where you are disrespected. Whether it’s at home, work or in social settings, you continue to feel disparaged. People with low self-esteem, unknowingly attract situations and draw people who will support this self-fulling prophesy. It’s a never-ending loop. “I’m not worthy, so I’m devalued”, and “I’m not seem as worthy because I’m flawed”. Ongoing, unchecked, low self-esteem will interfere with your ability to achieve your life goals.
- Fear of Failure. “What if I can’t do this, what if I try it, but I fail?” “I may not measure up to someone’s expectation,” could also invade your thinking. “I don’t want to take on this challenge or project prematurely, only to end in failure. What will others think,” could be another thought? If you are experiencing fear of failure, it needs your attention, immediately to prevent sabotage so you can move forward successfully.
- Fear of Success. “What if I can’t repeat my success?” This fear emerges because you are concerned about whether you can do it again. Sometimes with success, you may start to wonder if your accomplishment was a fluke, luck or just a one-time thing. This opens the door to worry and fear. You may become deeply introspective and start questioning whether others will expect your next venture to be as successful as the last one. And an even greater fear is whether you can exceed your last feat. Yet, another concern may be, once the goal has been accomplished, will it impact my motivation. In other words, “is this all there is” syndrome? Your fear of success is sabotaging your future.
- Negative Self-talk. Your inner villain is rearing its ugly head again. He’s filled with sentences to foster your self-doubt, and self-limiting beliefs. It’s your job to employ whatever techniques and tactics available to you to nullify his effects. Since negative self-talk is as common as breathing, at least to some, you should train yourself to recognize and acknowledge when it’s happening. Empowered with this knowledge places you in a position of power to address it. Just hoping and wishing, your inner villain will silence himself, is not an effective strategy. You must be intentional in devising ways to counter his attacks. By the way, negative self-talk and low self-esteem are usually so entangled, it’s difficult to distinguish who’s leading whom.
“Much of your self-esteem doesn’t come from what happens to you on a given day or what somebody says, but what you know about yourself on the inside.” ― Dr. Judy H
How is Self-Sabotage Ripping You off?
Although there are many ways that self-sabotage can rip you off, we will only examine three of them, briefly. While our focus will be limited, I encourage you to spend additional time learning ways to empower yourself so self-sabotage is not a part of your routine behavior. Now let’s consider how self-sabotage is…
Blocking self-empowerment. It’s preventing you from discovering or unleashing the real YOU. It can cause you to abandon your values or act inconsistently with your values. Toxic beliefs are throwing you curveballs that lead to actions of self-sabotage. For instance, regularly putting yourself last or at the end of the list when it comes to self-care, can become a debilitating habit. We all know, in a burning building emergency, you should place the oxygen mask on yourself first, then start to help others, but when it comes to planning our success path, we sometimes do just the opposite. Constantly ignoring your self-care and not assigning the appropriate value to who you are, can become impediments to personal empowerment. It’s time to untethered and set free the real you free. In Morten Stubberud’s book entitled, 5 Real Ways To Discover The Real You, he talks about the process of true personal discovery. When sharing how to objectively identify and know your strengths and weaknesses, he stated, “You can only be the best you can be, when you use your strengths effectively and recognize, admit and address your weaknesses. Each of us do certain things better than some others, but one can only enhance his personal persona, when he is honest to himself about every aspect of his personality, behavior, and especially, ethics and integrity.”
Delaying your dreams. This is especially problematic because it undermines your confidence. It is important to take the proper steps to address any self-sabotaging tactics that may impact your forward movement. Recognizing we all are given the same 24 hours a day, but we’re not all given the same number of hours or days on this space call earth. Self-sabotage causes us to treat our dreams in a careless manner. If we’re not vigilant, we will find ourselves picking them up, only to put them down or place them on a shelf, at will, with no real sense of urgency. Therefore, a deferred dream may never be realized. You will probably be less likely to neglect your passions and more importantly your dreams if you view them as gifts to be shared. You’ve now placed yourself in the cycle of win-win-win. You have received a gift, that you in turn shared, and the recipient is now able to share the gift with the universe. However, postponing or delaying your dreams may very well create the opposite because abandonment, even for a short period interrupts your flow. Postponement becomes denial and denial ends in unfulfilled dreams.
Building barriers that become walls. Barriers keep you from growing and it also prevents others from connecting with you. Your barriers create walls of isolation. There are times when barriers or walls are necessary, when we’re in a dangerous situation, for instance. However, as you plan your future, you want to expand your landscape instead of diminishing it because of imaginary threats. Be mindful of emotional attachments that cause you to retreat, hide, and hinder your original intent. Your goal is to build collaborative opportunities which require you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable networking with others. In order to create win-win breakthroughs that are sustainable for you and your team, transparency and openness is mandatory. If you find yourself in a constant state of protectionism – mental barricades, physical separation, and isolation will follow. For your personal growth, career, or business, learning how to effectively develop and nurture relationships will be key to your success. Developing the skill of establishing meaningful connections professionally and personally will serve you well in mapping the future you deserve and desire.
What To Do About Self-Sabotaging Behavior?
- Hold yourself accountable. Have a process in place. Identify your triggers. Make a list of your known self-sabotaging behaviors. Start journaling to help you identify areas that have been hidden from you previously. By writing down your thoughts and reviewing them daily or weekly, you’re creating a way to capture moments of gratitude as well as measure your negative mental patterns. Develop a reading schedule to include books that will help fortify your commitment, then pledge to honor them.
- Utilize accountability partner(s). All of us, have at least one or two close friends that are willing to serve as accountability partners. If not a friend, surely, you have a business partner, colleague, someone you trust and vested in your future that can serve in this role. It’s important to engage an accountability partner because you will be tempted to return to your familiar past or behaviors that have not served you well. When choosing this person make sure you select someone who will not accept your excuses and “pity-party” antics when you want to give-up, procrastinate, or quit. You must give them full authority to “call you out” and identify when you are slipping back into familiar defeating behavior patterns.
- Let your Mess-up be your motivation to start again. Decide even before you start that any time you miss the mark, or fall short of your goal, you will acknowledge it and use it as a learning experience. Because you are not superhuman, chances are, you will deviate from your plan and find yourself off course, on occasion. Since you are aware this could happen, your mess-up will be used as fuel to motivate you to get up, dust yourself off and start again, if a “do-over” is needed. From “mess-up to motivation” is more than a slogan or mental assent. You’re going to participate in a full assessment to determine what caused you to temporarily miss the mark and develop a corrective plan of action. You made a commitment to yourself before you started that a delay will not be a defeat. You made a promise to yourself to reach your goal.
- Commit to regulate your behavior by addressing the issues of procrastination, over-reacting/catastrophizing, and resisting change.
- Procrastination – you will not allow distractions to become interruptions that keep you from experiencing success. Sometimes procrastination is used as a form of avoidance. Rather than deal with a difficult personal issue, you decide to ignore its existence and to busy yourself with endless, mindless tasks, hoping it will resolve itself – and it never works. Take a few moments to examine your emotions and motives to determine why you might be trying to avoid, situations. Is it because they could cause you discomfort? Are you delaying making a decision, once again because the result will require you to change? It’s time to decide to tackle procrastination head-on. It’s time to manage the impulse to put things off. You will no longer allow diversions such as endlessly engaging in social media, binge watching your favorite tv shows, sports program and movies or squandering time with non-priority tasks. Some have even convinced themselves that they perform better under pressure and use this as an excuse to procrastinate. I want to acknowledge the distinction between self-induced pressure as the result of deadlines that you create for yourself and delaying working on scheduled tasks because you lack discipline – they are not the same. While it may be comforting to believe that procrastination helps you stay motivated, it is not a sustainable model if you desire to develop a healthy, practical, and effective long-term strategy for success. Adding inducements to create pressure is a good strategy, waiting to the last minute, or putting things off because of discomfort or fear, is not.
- Over-reacting – catastrophizing. You refuse to become “that person,” the one who over-reacts and catastrophize situations. We are all familiar with the person who starts a sentence with, “This always happens to me”, “I’m always the last one to…”, “I never get to…” or “I’ll lose my mind if…”. You will regulate your behavior, so you are not moving to exaggerated conclusions when presented with everyday life issues.
- Resisting Change. Sometimes people are resistant to change because they view it as taking a risk. It’s perceived as risky because it comes with uncertainty which can cause bouts of fear or anxiousness. But you should be willing to engage in healthy risk-taking. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, the only person that likes change, is a wet baby. While that might be true, it’s also true that progress can only be accomplished by embracing change in your words and actions.
- Perfectionism. Many times, perfectionism is given as reason why someone has not accomplished their goals. If we look closer however, this proclamation of waiting until it is perfect is actual a mask for procrastination or fear of failure. Don’t allow yourself to hide behind the comfort and guise of “I just want to make sure it’s perfect.” Greater examination and honesty with yourself may reveal that you are experiencing a level of uncertainty or even fear that your project, idea, or event won’t be successful – or not as successful as you previously thought. I’m met several perfectionists and the one thing that many of them have in common, is oftentimes their project, idea, or event never gets launched. It remains in a constant state of being prepared or being perfected. In many instances, perfectionists are skillful at visioning, conception, ideation, and galvanizing support of their ventures. With all the enthusiasm and product novelty, they can shield the fact that implementation nor achieving the end results are being realized. Action and a well-executed plan trumps perfectionism, every time.
If self-sabotage has been ripping you off, it does not have to be your reality moving forward. The choice is yours. The first step to address any obstacle is to acknowledge that it exists. Next, there must be a willingness to accept what has been acknowledged, accompanied by a strategy to address it. I encourage you to continue examining your daily routines to identify if or when self-sabotaging is taking place and take action to conquer it.
