Most likely you’ve heard the phrase, “it’s not you, it’s me” when actually what’s being conveyed is something different. You feel there is an underlying message that’s just the opposite. It can be used as an easy way out for someone who believes that you are the issue but lack the courage to say so. Their willingness to be a martyr does not lessen your pain or suspicion. Therefore, hearing those words may cause you to question whether there is something deficient, lacking, or wrong with you”. I too have heard this statement, and it never left me feeling optimistic or good about myself. That was how I use to feel, however hearing those words, no longer has a negative impact, causes me to feel deflated or personally attacked. There were 4 simple steps I used to help transform how I will respond to those words if or when I hear them again.
“It’s not you, it’s me” could be true, however, that will not be our focus. Grappling with whether what’s being said is true or not, only serves to misdirect our energy. Spending time on the person or people making the statement is also another rabbit hole. Instead, let’s take a few moments to examine this statement, as if we were saying it to ourselves, with a slight twist. Take a few moments to center your thoughts, and boldly proclaim, “it is me, and it’s about me and not about them”. By the way, in this instance, the statement is not negative or self-deprecating, but positive in its intent. Looking with a different lens, you’re saying “this time, I will focus on me and shift my eyes from them” as an empowering statement. It is an assertion of power about you and it’s not dependent on others’ viewpoints. Let’s look at 4 simple steps to claim your power. Start with affirmations, that will become your, “I WILL” statements of power. I’m inviting you to make the following declarations, on a regular basis.
I will take charge of my mindset: They (the infamous they, whoever they are) are not responsible for your mental state. Although you’re probably aware, in some recessed part of your mind, that it’s you and you alone that determines how you manage your mental care. I’m not speaking of the sentiment of happiness which is an emotion. I’m talking about joy because joy is a mental state of mind that one chooses. You can decide today, to start living a life filled with joy. In this state of joy, you determine if your emotions rule you. While experiencing a multitude of emotions, whether good or bad, you have the ability to choose how you will manage them. Your willingness and ability to govern your emotions will help you create a state of joy. Of course, you won’t be happy about everything that comes your way, however, you can make a decision to protect your state of mind. You can live in an environment that creates an atmosphere where a joy state of mind is always available to you. Even when there may be moments and times in your life when circumstances are bleak and situations seem dire, choosing to remand in a joy state will leave room for your situation to change. It will help you build an environment where better things and different opportunities will show up because you’ve protected, guided, and nurtured a positive mindset.
I will forgive: Some may wonder why forgiveness would be a part of this list. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, nor is it discounting an experience, emotions, trauma, or event, but it is about, starting from a new place with a new way of thinking. There are things, good and bad that happened to you, but that’s your history, it does not have to be a part of your future. It’s really about you not only forgiving others but also, forgiving yourself, so you can move on. Examine areas in your life where you are still holding yourself hostage. Forgive yourself. You have the power to stop living past mistakes, regrets, and disappointments. Say to yourself, I’m sorry, I was wrong, so you can move on with your life. You will only remain the person of your past if you live your life looking in the rear-view mirror. Next, forgive those who hurt you, even if the hurt has had an extremely negative impact on your life. As you have probably heard many times before, holding a grudge or not forgiving someone hurts you more than them. You should forgive so you can move on, not because they need your forgiveness, or even deserve it. If you have not forgiven someone who has caused you damage, you are carrying them with you every day, everywhere you go – that forgiveness is living rent-free in your body, spirit, and mind. While you may not think about it every day, the rent-free tenant of unforgiveness is omnipresent. It’s time to evict this tenant so you can be free to move on.
I will develop a personal strategy: Once your mindset has been recalibrated and you no longer have forgiveness issues, let’s look at what’s next. Your life goals will guide your personal strategy for success. They may include, career, personal, physical, and spiritual aspirations. You especially need to measure your milestones along the way to gauge your progress. Your personal strategy should clearly state what you want to accomplish, accompanied by steps to attain them. Along with what you will do and how you’ll do it, should be a statement regarding what you’re willing to give up or stop doing to achieve your goals.
I will take positive action: It’s really up to you. The ability to act is one of the greatest disciplines to have. Act when the idea is hot, and the emotion is strong. Taking action will help you capture the emotion and put it into action. Find ways to immediately start using what you have learned while the emotion is still present. Know that, nothing stands alone, all things are interrelated, so consistent action fosters targeted follow-up and follow-up produces desired results. Every new discipline you learn and embrace affects the rest of your disciplines. Harnessing those disciplines will build self-confidence and empower you to take action. You will discover that self-worth and self-esteem are intricately tied to discipline and your ability to act. Finally, I suggest that you diminish the lack that exists in any area of your life by being proactive.
Remember, life is an opportunity mixed with difficulty. So, the next time someone speaks these words to you, “it’s not you, it’s me” listen with a different internal belief system. Choose to hear – it is about “me” in an upbeat way. Receiving their proclamation with this mindset puts the power in your domain. While you don’t have the ability to change others, only influence them, you have the responsibility and authority to change you.
